Anything is better than feeling numb. I used to think otherwise, but I’ve changed my mind.
The most mind shattering, stomach twisting pain is, without a doubt, preferable to feeling nothing. I hate that that is true. I wish with all my might that it would be better—easier—to feel numb. Numb seems as if it would be comfortable.
But it isn’t. Numb is that feeling that you should be feeling something—anything—but the knowledge that you aren’t. Numb feels empty—devoid of life. Dead.
Pain, at least, is an indicator of life. And life is something I crave, right now. I can’t get enough of life, of things that are alive, of things that make me feel alive. I’m awake, at 5:05 in the morning, because sleeping is not alive enough for me, right now. I can’t sleep, because I can’t let myself stop doing.
Doing what, doesn’t matter. I just have to be doing something—other than sleeping. So I’ve been listening to Coldplay and writing, for the past three hours, because that is what, without fail, makes me feel alive and real and solid and okay.
Words don’t remedy pain. I don’t think time does either, though it may soften it. But, for now, words are my comfort. I’m going to take solace in my words. But I’m going to fight numbness with everything I have, even if it hurts like hell.
3 comments:
I understand. It is interesting that people wish for numbness, because the act of being numb means that you have nothing left to fight for. And you do Chelsea. You are right, time does not get rid of pain, but it does soften it and you learn from it.
That sounds stupid, but you understand.
I definitely know how you feel about the numbness. Life at Fox has pretty much been numb for the most part. I feel devoid of life and action, and I feel guilty because I can't feel anything. People ask me what is wrong and I can't tell them because I don't even know because all I feel is numb. However, when I go home and see you and Evan and everyone, everything seems to come back into color for just a little while and then I go back into my little grey shell when I go back to school.
Ive felt numb for a month and nothing can seem to bring life. Its a weird feeling, at least anger, and hurt give you a goal to strive for and pain is a better feeling than nothing at all. I dont think time will heal numbness at all. It can only mask the void. Only a miracle can heal it.
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