Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I think...

I am going to pass out from sheer joy.

Once again, God has set me rightfully back in my place. It seems like after all I've been through, I would learn to let him have control. Because we all know he would do a much better job with the reins that I could ever dream to. And he has.
Tonight, I was awestruck by God's absolute... control. The way he does certain things and they seem like mere coincidence. But I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in God.
And literally minutes after feeling fully renewed in this wonderful, amazing God that I serve, I received a message from the friend who I've been trying to lead to God for all these years. It was 4:oo in the morning. Coincidence? I think not. Godincidence. (That's right... you're allowed to make up words when you're ready to pass out from joy.)
So, he writes me and I ask what he's doing up so late. He was writing. He was writing... at 4:oo in the morning. And, though my heart is fluttering like a caged bird, and my stomach is in knots, I feel an odd calm. I know that God is in control of the whole thing, and whatever I say, it was in God's hands.
So I ask what he wrote, and if I could read it. He lets me read it and I tell you, he's so unbelievably close. It makes my head spin. But he wants to know what I think of what he's written. So I tell him what I think... But that's not good enough. He wants to know what it made me think. Not just my opinion of it. Against all better judgement, I tell him. I tell him that it made me think that he's so close. So close to embracing God. And his mind is so open. And that maybe God didn't make a mistake when he chose me to witness to him.
Whatever it is with me and doubting God's choices for me... I need to shake it. But, hoping against all hopes, I told him not to be upset and that I wasn't trying to push. I knew he told me he needed time... and it had only been a couple days. I really didn't want to push him away by seeming impatient. So... nervous but somehow sure I'd said the right thing, I sent the message to him. His response was not what I had expected. He actually said that, for some reason, he'd had a feeling I would say that. And that he feels he really will be ready to believe in God soon. "Not really soon... but soon."
My mind was reeling. I had to make sure I'd read what I thought I'd read. Nobody's but God's words were coming through me. Had I said anything else, his response might have been different. And then, despite my fear I would be pushing yet again, I told him he was welcome to come to church anytime. And he said it sounded very good to him.

I don't really know how to make sense of everything that took place. It's a bit like a dream. He needs time...

But God has all the time in the world.

And God, however he puts up with me, it trying very hard to teach me to just let him handle things. He did, after all, create the universe...

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I think...

I am going to be sick.

I feel like I'm failing God right now and nothing I'm doing seems to be helping. My prayers seem futile and my faith is weak. As soon as something seems to come close to happening, it all comes crashing back down again. One of my friends is going to go to hell and nothing I'm saying is changing that in the least. Nothing coming from me is helping him believe. I feel physically ill with anxiety. We come so close to getting somewhere, and then he asks one simple question that rocks me. I stumble, and his defensive shield is back up in a flash. He needs proof. Proof he can see and touch. I don't have that. He wants answers. Solid, concrete answers. And I can't give them to him.

All I can do is sit here and try and figure out what to say to keep him from turning completely away, even if he's not willing to accept. All I can do is sit here and cry like an idiot who doesn't have the answers he needs to hear. All I can do is sit here and pray and hope and have faith that God has it under control.

But it's so hard...