Then Again,

Maybe not.

I didn't write last night. But, then again, last night just sucked. So I wasn't in a blogging mood.
Sorry.

So, I'm feeling a little...oh, I don't know...uncomfortable, I suppose. I think my faith is becoming something more...hmmm...more real to me. And it sort of sounds ridiculous to hear myself say it, because I've been through some crap and I know there have been times when I've really, truly turned to God to give something to him because I just couldn't handle it anymore. So to say that my faith wasn't real before is difficult. So I'm not sure if that's entirely true.
It's hard to explain. I suppose I just believed in God the way a little kid believes in God. I simply believed. And I never, never questioned it. I never even thought of questioning it, of questioning what I believed.
But, gradually, it's like something's been changing in my mind. I find myself thinking more about the concept of God. I mean, really thinking. And it makes me really uncomfortable. Because, on one hand, I know that I do believe it. I really do. The very thought of life without God is just unreal to me. It's hardly life at all. But, on the other, the whole thing just seems so ludicrous. So it makes me feel kind of crazy. I mean, really. I believe in some invisible guy who spoke the world into being and whose son rose himself from the dead.
Logically, it just doesn't make sense. And, while I've never prided myself on being especially logical (far from it, actually), I do like for things to make at least a little sense.
When I think of God and when I think of things like heaven and hell and angels and demons, I feel uneasy. It's just so big. It's a lot to wrap my head around. It's a lot to believe. It's staggering, almost.
I try not to think about it, sometimes.
My biggest problem, I think, is that I have serious issues with relinquishing control. And it took me a long time to realize that, because most other people don't realize it either, so nobody's ever called me a control freak or anything like that. Since I'm such a passive person, I always just assumed that that meant that I had no problem with letting someone else be in control.
But I've learned that having no problem following someone else's directions and giving someone else complete control are two radically different things. And I really, really do not enjoy giving someone else control. I don't even like talking about problems I have, just daily things, because I feel like, by admitting that something is wrong, I'm allowing someone else to step in and fix it - and to take control of the situation. (Poor Evan could tell you all about that. He always has to pry everything out of me.)
And so, if I'm willing to admit to myself - I mean, fully accept and acknowledge - that God really is God and it all is really real, then I have to surrender control to him. Complete control of my life. And that terrifies me.
So, to wrap it all up, I'll just say this:
I am, intentionally or not, almost always in a power struggle with God. It's infuriating at some times, and humbling at others. I am also in a constant power struggle with myself - the contolling part of me against the part that wants to let it go. And thinking about God too seriously is uncomfortable for me.

But maybe the reality of God is that he's supposed to be uncomfortable sometimes.